introducing the rove-bot

the latest time-saving blogging device is here

Bloggers like Shakespeare's Sister are rightly keeping the pressure on Karl Rove despite the Administration's maneuverings.  The Rove story is now unfolding along such predictable lines that I've developed an autonomous Internet program - what is sometimes called a "bot" - to write all future posts on the topic.   (These programs are also called "agents," but I don't want to call it that for fear that a Republican will reveal its identity.)  Here's how it works:

INPUT:

Today it was discovered that Karl Rove

a)  lied to FBI agents
b)  lied to reporters
c)  revealed nuclear secrets to help a Republican get elected alderman in Swanscote, KY
d)  ate a baby

(check all that apply)

President Bush and Scott McClellan both refused to comment, except to say that

a)  there is no proof a crime was committed
b)  there is no proof a crime was committed that hurt Republicans
c)  there is no proof crime is bad

(search news articles for all that apply)

-- Hypocrisy Subroutine --

Rove-bot will now search for contradictory statements made by the President and other Republicans in the past.   Please check all statement categories you would like to see included:

( )  My Dad said people who expose CIA agents are scum
( )  We want to hold the White House to a higher standard of behavior
( )   Blow jobs
( )   What the definition of "is" is
( )   We won't tolerate even the appearance of impropriety

-- Press Ineptitude Subroutine --

IF Judy Miller still in jail,
THEN statement re irony of protecting people who are trying to crush whistleblowers, cozy relationship between reporters and the powerful.

IF Judy Miller NE jail (out of jail),
THEN statement about she was not the moral equivalent of

a)  Nelson Mandela
b)  Martin Luther King in Birmingham jail
c)  Duke Cunningham after they get through with him

IF Judy Miller has helped start another war, initiate ***escape sequence***.

In order to distract from the growing Rove scandal, the President today

a)  declared war on
     -  North Korea
     -  Iran
     -  the new pro-Iranian leadership of Iraq
     -  Sweden

b)  nominated another Supreme Court judge
c)  declared a tax holiday for billionaires
d)  ate a baby
--------------------------------------------------------

Preparing to run program.   Set levels:

*  Snarkiness (1-10)
*  Irony (1-10)
*  Bitter resignation (1-10)

END INPUT.   GENERATING POST.

*******************************

It's as easy as that!   Can I get you a cappucino while we're waiting?   Hey, read anything interesting lately?

Comments

[Pudentilla]

you need to patent this, sir. it's sheer genius.

[RJ Eskow]

Thank you! But I consider it open source ... it's available to all for the good of humanity.

[Pam's House Blend]

This was sheer brilliance. I have to post and link back!

[jonnybutter]

Pam's House already said 'brilliant', but I think so too! Your construction perfectly illustrates the bathos of the situation: a combination of outrageousness and utter tedium. Only a couple of degrees away from war (terror and boredom). Great stuff.