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LOVE BEGINS A PICTURE: An Anthology of Google Voice Transcriptions Formatted and Annotated As Poetry

(written for 3QD)

Google recently introduced Google Voice, which routes calls among different lines, performs other screening and call handling tasks, and automatically generates a written record of each phone message using voice transcription software.  I've had it for months.  I'm not going to complain about the transcription software's high error rates, although lots of people do.  It's free, for crying out loud.  Where do people get off complaining so much about free stuff?  They don't have to use it if they don't want to use it. 

But that's not my point.  My point is, I think I've noticed something about these Google Voice transcriptions:  I see an authorial sensibility taking form, like a face emerging from a cloud bank. These transcriptions can be read as poetry.

At its most accurate, Google Voice gives a surprising dignity to some simple messages merely by rendering them in written language.  At its most interpretative, the results could give a Surrealist vertigo. 

Roll over, Brion Gysin, and tell Bill Burroughs the news:  There's a new sheriff in Cut-Up Land, and his motto is Don't Be Evil.  Below are some real-life examples of this new poet's work, taken from my own phone messages.  Since the transcript/poem often bears little resemblance to the actual words spoken, who are the real authors - the Voice, the callers, or some synergistic combination of forces beyond our limited understanding?

Here:  Decide for yourself.

Antisemitism vs. Reasonable Opposition to Israeli Policy

Posts like this one from Lincoln Mitchell tend to be ineffective at best, in my opinion, when they suggest there's a problem with progressive anti-Semitism and don't provide specifics. 

His post suggests that there is a "constant drumbeat" of bigoted remarks "in the comment section of ... 'progressive' websites."  The implication is that lefty blogs are overrun with commenters who are saying there's " a Jewish cabal driving American foreign policy" (to use his words.)

He adds:  "The notion that one can be critical of Israeli policy without being anti-Semitic is, of course, true. Many, if not most, American Jews are critical of various aspects of Israeli policy while being far from anti-Semitic."

Fair enough.  The problem is that he doesn't provide any examples of fair or bigoted speech.  Which comments are reasonable criticisms of Israeli policy, and which does he feel cross the line?  He doesn't say.  The end result is another post whose overall point is unclear.  Does he think progressive anti-Semitism is a real concern, or is he just offended by a few ugly comments?

It's hard for the reader to know.  I've certainly read an occasional anti-Semitic-sounding comment that set my teeth on edge.  I've found them to be pretty rare - more like a stray rim shot here and there than a "constant drumbeat."  But I don't read everything and of course I could be wrong.

There are those who hope to suppress open debate with charges of anti-Semitism.  If Lincoln Mitchell does not want to be counted among them  - and I don't think that's his intent - then he needs to 1) link to posts that he feels contain such comments, and 2) identify those that he feels are anti-Semitic.  That permits the reader to judge for her- or himself, and avoids the risk of tainting an entire online community (progressive, in this case) with unfair suggestions of bigotry.  It might even help some commenters learn that their speech can be hurtful.

Specifics, please.  Let's not tar everyone with the behavior of a few.

big red mac

The media seem fascinated by the new mall in China that's made up entirely of knockoffs of American chains - "Pizza Huh" for "Pizza Hut," "Buckstar" for "Starbucks," and so on.  My guess is that there are a couple of reasons for the fascination.  One is that we're sometimes transfixed by familiar things.  There's some relationship between this phenomenon and the Uncanny Valley concept.  Then there's the old imitation-as-flattery idea:  See how great our way of life is?  They'll go to any lengths just to replicate what you pass by on your way to work.

I remember working in Eastern Europe when the same thing was going on there.  In 1991/92 the "McRonald's" in Warsaw was right down the street from what was then the most successful Mercedes-Benz dealership in the world.  (A lot of people were turning stolen Communist assets  into unregulated cash back then.  And all those Benzes were being sold on a cash-only basis.  After all, there was no banking or credit system yet.) 

Hungary was still Communist when they opened the first McDonald's there in 1989 or so.  I was there, too.  I remember going to a reception for the Secretary of Commerce (Mosbacher) at the US Embassy.  It was a "Texas-style barbecue," which meant undercooked chicken with "bar-b-q sauce" the color and texture of blood plasma.  As for the Hungarian country/western band ... well, Buck Owens was rolling over in his grave and he wasn't even dead yet.

The manager of that Budapest McDonald's said that their biggest problem was that they had eight separate cash registers to ease congestion, but the people all made one gigantic line.  They were used to old-fashioned Communist queuing ...

It, too, was the most successful franchise in the world at the time.  Heart disease:  The final capitalist weapon against the Socialist world.

congratulations to paul krugman

Congratulations to Paul Krugman for winning the Nobel Prize.  He's a brilliant and gutsy guy, and I look to him for economic wisdom.  My only major disagreement with him over the last few years has been on health mandates.

And as for politics, I'll paraphrase an old country song:  He was candid, when candid wasn't cool.

i and i

I saw some copies of Self magazine in the doctor's office.  Is a "magazine of the self" a bad idea?  Even if you believe we're a "we" and not a series of "me's," it's important to take care of the being you are.  So I don't really have any problem with Self. 

Besides, who am I to judge people for how they expend their energy or make themselves feel better?  (Unless they're shooting wolves from a helicopter, which hurts all of us - especially the wolves.)  Self seems pretty harmless, and probably helps some people enjoy their lives more.  So it's fine with me, and it's none of my business anyway.

But I'd still rather see a magazine in the doctor's waiting room called Other.

i used to work on wall street ...

... though not in investing.  Still, I'm kinda glad I don't have to face the understandable but nevertheless pretty effin' acute level of public hostility out there, as represented by this:

there's always tomorrow

Brilliant!

we don't like your kind around here, son

Dude says that he's a vampire.  He bought a piece of property in rural Tennessee and says he wants to start some kind of vampire love-in or something.   Folks round those parts don't cotton much to that:

When word spread that Sharkey wanted to turn a plot of land into a commune for fellow vampires, Kamtman knew trouble was brewing.

These people up here are very religious, you know," he said. "And they don't want change and vampires they don't need."

Could be there's a McCain campaign slogan in there struggling to come out. 

The guy was wanted in a couple of states for threatening the  President.  And they found a wooden stake among his personal effects. 

No, I'm not trying to make a political statement by juxtaposing those two facts.  Just making conversation ...

yankee relics

So Yankee Stadium is no more.  We have a few memories of that place, and now that I'm married to a girl from the Bronx the allegiances are even stronger.  But I'll never go there again, and as I sit here with jetlag it feels like it never existed at all.

I remember a Puerto Rican guy selling joints there in in 1968, shouting as loudly as if he were selling beer or hot dogs:  "Janqui bones!  Janqui bones!" 

"Bones" was a common term for joints in some circles, but I liked the phrase anyway.  "Yankee bones" sounded a little like relics of the saints, something sacramental like incense or peyote.  In fact it sounded like something first baseman Joe Pepitone - he of the hairweaves and drug problems - might have appreciated.

Now collecters will pick through the ruins for more concrete relics of Yankee Stadium - seat covers and pieces of the scoreboard.  Nothing lasts and everything passes, from monuments like Yankee Stadium to Joe Pepitone's hair.  As Rod Serling might say, "That's s a little spiritual lesson, courtesy of an old ballpark way uptown - in the Twilight Zone."

chicken fighting is not a crime

Have been maintaining pretty effective radio silence since we left for vacation last Thursday. Our first visit to a Kauai supermarket included seeing a big guy in a rusty pickup with a bumper sticker that said "Chicken fighting is not a crime." Underneath it the sticker read "respect the local culture."

There are free chickens everywhere you go on this island. They're walking around parking lots and back yards, and start crowing around 5 am.

Chicken fighting may not be a crime, I wanted to say to that guy,but don't you think you have an unfair weight advantage?